oh f*** it.

So its the 5th of January 2016.


How much weight have i lost? Nothing
Im still fat.
I still have no energy.
I still feel like a slug.
And I just want to give up.
Everything in me is saying to just quit... Walk away now and don't even bother anymore. I have lost all my motivation to go to the gym.. why? because i hate going by myself. And because busting my ass in the gym has gotten me NO DAMN RESULTS.
i do everything on my own.
Im home all day.... alone
I go to and from school to get kids.. alone

I don't make friends easy because I just end up hurt... so I am skeptical of everyone...
I feel like i am sinking into this deep dark nasty hole and Im ready to just let go.

I hate this feeling.

Im not depressed... I know I have SAD.. but this is just feeling lonely, isolated, cut off.... I dont fit in anywhere so why bother trying? I dont "fit" with the cute moms at school....

Im just so done.


*sigh*
Im not writing this to get attention... Im writing this so that if there is someone else feeling like this, you know you are not alone. It will pass... it will get better.. cuz honey it cant get worse then feeling like this.

Everyone needs a do-over

*sigh*

I admit this.. I gave up. I got stuck and said f* it and I gave up.
I want to say it was a low point.... But it was more self sabotage then anything.
I saw success, and screwed it up.
Stress has been eating at me.. So I've been eating junk. I gave up on good cooking. We moved. BabyD is high maintenance... Sheldon might have FASD.... And I'm not dealing with things.

So... Tomorrow is Monday August 31. I'm not starting over, I'm getting back on track.
I'm going to do better because my health needs me to.
I'm going to post my weight.
I'm going to encourage the amazing people in my life who inspire me to keep going and not give up (Kelly, Chris and Angle.!! Thank you more then you'll ever know)
I'm going to keep track of all my food

These 60-ish pounds have been given their eviction notice and its time to take action.

A day late but...

Welcome to 2015!!!

So I made it through last year..... A little frustrated, but a little lighter then I was a year ago.
A friend of mine on FB inspired me to make a like of 8 simple goals.. and here they are

1. To have more fun with my kids and hubby.
2. To limit my computer time.
3. To try more real home cooked dinners
4. To make my fitbit step goal 5 days a week.
5. To laugh more.
6. To get to my stage 2 weight.
7. To try something new, even if it scares me. Be fearless.
8. To be in One-derland 


Here's to a better, happier, healthier LIGHTER me!
And I will see One-derland before the year is done. Which means I have a 5lb a month goal.


 

And the nomneee for Most Neglected Blog....

Ok well I wish I had a good reason... but all I can say is that life got out of hand.
Things got a little hectic between doing relief for babies, being sick, everyone else being sick, more relief, school started, potty training break throughs... and the a big back slide.
And in all of this I have reaslized something.... I sabbotaged myself.
About a month ago I weighed myself and I had finally broken through to 249.. it was an awsome feeling... then about a week later I screwed it up. It was like I got the taste of success, had everyone saying what a great job I was doing.... so I went the other way again.
WHY do I do this to myself???? Like seriously??
I know I can do better.
I know I can get this weight off.
But Im messing it up and I swear Im doing it to myself.
So very very frustrating.

I am annoyed at myself... to put it mildly.
But Im not going to get down on myself about it because that wont help anything. (and it just puts me in a really bad mood.. which is no fun for anyway.
SO lets get back on track.
NO MORE excuses. Just hard work and determination and stop eating crap.

le sigh

SO I need to keep reminding myself that this weight loss thing is about 75% mental. I get to hung up on that stupid number that it drives me crazy.
But this morning I broke through at 269 and promised myself I will never be above 270 again.
I have 70lbs to get to my new goal... Its a short term goal but Im going to get there. Its just stage 1... but I so desperately want to be in "One-derland" again. I dont care if i sit at 199.98lbs.. I want to see the one.
So its going to be more walking, less eating, and getting back to doing my situps every day.
That combined with working out at the gym at least 3x a week.. something has got to give... but i think i might drop the late monday kettlebell class for a bit and do Zumba 2x a week. I need cardio, I dont need weight training right now.

 I will be out of the 260's by the end of the month.

Defeated

(this is not going to be a happy post but I need to get this out)


Im sorry... Its been a month.. I know. but Im feeling so defeated right now I want to cry.
Since I have started I have lost 3 lbs.
Im going to the gym 3 times a week for at least 2hrs... and the f***ing scale hasn't gone below 270. I want to scream and yell and throw things.. but mostly I want to quit.
I have been doing this for over a year... and the numbers havent gone down.
Last time I went to the Dr he did all the bloodwork and my thyroid came back "Well within normal levels"....
I have never had an issue loosing weight before.
Im busy.. im going to the gym.. I have been way better with my eating.... and still... CRAP.

I have been fighting off tears for the last hour... I dont want the kids to see this.

Im sorry

I've been staying on track but I've stopped calorie counting..... I know I know I shouldn't have but I just got so discouraged... I have been busting my butt at the gym 3x a week for a good year and some now.. And I have not lost pounds. Its so frustrating.
But I'm so thankful for Shari... She probably doesn't know how close I've gotten to giving up at times.. And I probably would have if it hadn't been for her.. And she knows just how to push me. If I had the money I'd hire her as a trainer..(she is a shorter red head version of Jillian Michaels lol) But I'm lucky the Y has a coaching program and she is taking me on. I have a plan fr the gym now along with twice a week kettle bell classes (and the 3.9km bike ride on Monday evenings).
I have been about 99% on with my eating.... I'm going to start using another tracking program and I'll see how that goes.

I have also given myself a short term goal and deadline. I want to hit 220 by November. Its halfway to where I want to be but its still 50lbs.
Something I know I can do. I'm also going back on kelp to help regulate my thyroid and if that doesn't help.. The next step is our Dr.. I don't want to have to take that step.

So thank you to everyone who has been so amazingly supportive.
Let's do this :-)